Category Archives: Navel Gazing

5 Tips For Regaining Your Confidence After Divorce

If you are a rich, famous, connected, and beautiful woman with a strong family supporting you — like Maria Shriver — you might experience divorce differently than the average schlub. For the rest of us, the most important thing is just surviving. Continue reading

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The Secret Fantasies of Adult Males

In life, you are going to make thousands of business transactions. Almost all of them are going to be on other people’s terms. Even the ones you make with the store clerk who reminds you of the kid in seventh grade whom Sister Rose Veronica ordered everyone to treat nicely. Yes, even that store clerk has it over you. Continue reading

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My Declaration of Independence from the Word “Your”

I might just want a goddamned V-8 instead of the same fucking orange juice you place in front of my cakehole every morning like I’m some kind of eating, pissing, and shitting robot. Continue reading

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Writers Are Terrible People

Writers are terrible people and even worse partners. You cannot depend on writers. Writers live rich and vivid lives inside of their heads and often ignore anything and anyone that interrupts their thoughts. Writers can be romantic and in the … Continue reading

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What to Do When You Are Awakened in the Middle of the Night by the Sound of a Bat Named Louis C.K. Flying Around Your Dark Bedroom

And then you realize what is creating this sound. It is the sound of a bat circling over your bed, pausing every 10 seconds or so to perch on a bookcase or your nightstand or the light directly over your bed. Not only is it the sound of a bat circling your bed, it is the sound of a bat under a high amount of stress. Continue reading

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The Three Dark Tunnels

“Ethan* and Natalie* are two wonderful people,” I tell the elderly, rotund fossil of a priest. “I think they are very fond of each other.” The priest nods. I think he understands what I mean. The priest and I speak … Continue reading

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The 12 Days of Christmas for Single, Divorced Dads

On the First Day of Christmas, you will ask your twentysomething children to take an active role in planning to visit their grandparents 100 miles away in the next state. You give them a three-day window. You actually entertain high … Continue reading

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