What to Do When You Are Awakened in the Middle of the Night by the Sound of a Bat Named Louis C.K. Flying Around Your Dark Bedroom

Louis C.K., the bat

Louis C.K., the bat

We like to think that we are impervious to nature, that when we retreat to the shelter of our homes at night, that we are safe. The walls and roof we have built to us form only a fragile membrane designed will seal out the wildlife that has taken over the night that we have fled. And yet…

And yet you might wake up one night by an unfamiliar sound. The sound is best described as a fluttering that disturbs the still air of your nocturnal environment. At first you will not recognize this sound because it is misplaced. This sound does not belong in your bedroom. And then…

And then you realize what is creating this sound. It is the sound of a bat circling over your bed, pausing every 10 seconds or so to perch on a bookcase or your nightstand or the light directly over your bed. Not only is it the sound of a bat circling your bed, it is the sound of a bat under a high amount of stress. You see…

You see, your bat does not want to be in your bedroom. Your bat wants to be out in nature, beyond the membrane, out with the other bats, searching for fruit or insects to eat. Surprisingly, your lizard brain does not entertain the thought that your bat wants to bite you and suck out your blood. Surprisingly, you are entertaining the notion that your bat is the Louis C.K. of bats. Your bat doesn’t know how the fuck he got into your house and he has no idea how to get out. Under these circumstances…

Louis C.K. the comedian

Louis C.K. the comedian

Under these circumstances, both you and Louis C.K. might elect to surrender the will to live. You might hide under the covers and hope Louis C.K. goes away. Guess what? Louis C.K. is not going away. Louis C.K. is only going to become more agitated and frustrated. This would not be a good thing. Your only hope…

Your only hope is to come to the understanding that you and Louis C.K. must form an alliance of sorts, a team. You have to help each other and move in concert. You and Louis C.K. are going to perform what exterminators call a pas de deux. No they don’t. I’m just messing with you. However, hiding under the covers, you remember that this is not the first time a bat has gotten lost in your bedroom. The first time…

The first time you were lying in bed with your wife (now ex-wife) Guinevere, watching “Twin Peaks.” Thing 1 and Thing 2 were asleep in their rooms. Guinevere was eating a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Your first bat flew up the staircase from the ground floor of your townhouse and directly into your bedroom. Your first bat began circling your bed. Guinevere panicked and there was chocolate ice cream everywhere. In your own panic…

In your own panic, you experienced two deaths that night: 1) that of your idealism regarding nature; and 2) your first bat. You are not proud of how you treated your first bat with your old Stan Smith tennis racquet, but you did not know better. You realized that bats provide a vital function in the ecosystem outside of your membrane. You actually feel bad for killing an animals whose only mistake was to get lost. If only…

If only you had done what you did with your second bat. You called the local BFE police station and asked for advice on dealing with bats in your home. Evidently, the BFE police get this call all the time. They walked you through the checklist of what you must to do ensure the bat leaves your house alive. And so…

And so by the time Louis C.K. enters the Divorce Shack in the middle of the night, you know what to do even though your are totally naked and alone in bed. Here is what you do:

  • You collect yourself. Seriously, whatever you have to do to collect yourself, do it.
  • Come to the understanding that there is no going back.
  • Get out of bed. Make no sudden moves, just purposeful and deliberate actions.
  • Keep your head down (for obvious reasons) and proceed to the closest door to the outside.
  • Open the door and – if necessary – the screen door.
  • Walk out onto your patio or porch or whatever. Don’t worry about the neighbors – it is dark and they are in bed and, quite frankly, they are adults and they are familiar with the anatomy of naked men.
  • Wait for your bat to shoot out the door. It will probably be right behind you, so the wait will not be long.
  • Close the doors and return to the membrane.
  • Blog about your experience.
  • Allow your adrenaline levels to return to normal.
  • Return to bed.
  • Think about golf.
  • Go to sleep.

That is all.

About Stephen Dedalus, Jr.

I am trying to awaken from the history of my ancestor's nightmare to comment on my Holy Trinity of Interests: art, literature, and music. Oh, and thoughts on dysfunctional families, which is to say families.
This entry was posted in Culture, Divorced Parents, Navel Gazing. Bookmark the permalink.

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